Association of Female Executives of Trinidad and Tobago

The feminist movement has accomplished significant milestones for women. From the era of the Suffragists (who won us the vote), to the present day (where there are now more women than men in both hallowed university halls and the world of work), we’ve come a long way baby! But as calypsonian King Austin sang, “the price of progress is high” and women have certainly paid it.

With change comes extremism – at least at the outset. The pendulum must swing wildly to each side before eventually settling in the middle. While this is natural, it has caused much confusion for both men and women. Feminism became so much larger than itself that the message grew louder and louder until no one really heard or understood what was being said. Some women regarded the movement, and its effect on men, as the equivalent of a wooden cross’ effect on a vampire. To them, independence meant curtailing a man’s relevance in not only a woman’s life, but in the world. This does not reflect the spirit of feminism.

Instead, true feminism is inclusive. All it demands is equality, honouring our differences while celebrating the capabilities of both sexes. Yet, the damage from the miscommunication has been done and it is up to women to start fixing it. That’s right, it’s our responsibility because it’s our movement, our message. Women have already proven that we are not intellectually or physically inferior to our male counterparts. Now we have to prove, mainly to ourselves, that it’s okay to be a woman and it’s also okay to let a man be a man.

Case in point: in a recent report on an American television news station, the presenter related an incident in which he had held a door open for a young, attractive woman, who proceeded to tell him off good and proper. The expert on feminism who was lending perspective to the issue maintained that common courtesy doesn’t die – she herself would hold the door open for a man as well.

I’ve seen countless scenarios like this happen, and I always feel incredibly sorry for the poor man who’s at the receiving end of the “feminist’s” wrath. A woman invites a man out (even for business) and he’s unsure whether to offer to pay his share of the meal or not because she’s perfectly capable of affording it (she probably makes more than he does) and because, well, she invited him. It’s no wonder men don’t understand us – feminism has completely turned previously accepted social norms on their head and the two contingents from Mars and Venus are not talking about it.

Men in their thirties (and older) who were brought up to be respectful to women have a hard time redefining their role as men who still respect women – and the great strides we have made – but are unsure how to demonstrate it. Younger men, who grew up seeing their mothers as equal, even predominant partners in their households, may not have been socialized to treat women with the frills they were supposedly entitled to by virtue of being “a lady”.

The good news is that there is a middle ground and it’s called, as the old people say, “brought-up-cy.” Common courtesy is becoming less and less common in a society that is driven by technology, speed and a proclivity for worshipping the bottom line. Competition is fierce – who has time for niceties? But it is exactly that – the time we take to be thoughtful of others – that defines the human condition and convinces us that we are not all rats just running the race.

Did the TV news presenter open the door for the young lady because he was attracted to her and thought the act of chivalry would provide him with an opportunity to strike up a conversation? Or was he just being polite? The reality is, it doesn’t matter. The point of power is always in the present moment and the woman was the one who held it. By saying “thank you” and walking through the open door, she would have demonstrated her equality as another human being for whom something considerate was being done. If conversation followed that she did not wish to pursue, she could then have demonstrated her power by saying, “no, thank you” and going about her business, secure in the knowledge that she had the choice. And in the end, isn’t that the whole point of feminism?

Janine Mendes-Franco is Principal of The New Cheeze, a communications consultancy firm that specializes in video/film productions, and President of the Association of Female Executives of Trinidad and Tobago.